Diesel Bob (UK) Limited

Bobs Rant

The long-term mental effects of breathing calibration fluid fumes & diesel oil fumes maybe to blame for this page or is just the simple fact of getting older & more cynical? Writing this page seemed a good idea at the time but even if the thoughts expressed here do NOT match your own do bear in mind that we are damn good at dealing with diesel injection issues.

Having an opinion these days is something that can very often end with the opinion giver in a spot of hot water, but keeping quiet & 'just taking it' isn't the correct thing to do either (apparently) so I think airing ones stresses & annoyances now & again is healthy.

Topic of the moment:

Driver Less Vehicles / Transport

What are the real world benefits?
Who the F##K comes up with these ideas?
Do people want a World controlled by computers?
Well I sure as F##K don’t!!!
A mention was made on the news regarding the UK is falling behind other countries with it’s driverless technology! &???? What’s the problem? Is there some kind of race going on to be the first country to have the most computer controlled vehicles? & if so, what’s the prize???
Yet more bored scientists/technology wiz kids who are trying to justify a salary.
Utter B.S. of the highest level.

Ashes to Ashes, Diesel to Diesel........

With the looming ‘toxin tax’ for diesel owners being announced, & with no one bothering to stand up against it we thought we would throw in a few more comedy suggestions on ways for the government to make money:
(NOTE: this is a form of parody, for those readers who don’t share our sense of humour):

Cremation toxic tax

A number of bored scientists have found that when they wave a special device over the chimney of crematoriums it has found levels of things that they consider too high, to make money from this discovery a £50.00 toxic reversal tax should be charged for every person cremated. This will make people reconsider cremation & look at other options.

Burial land contamination tax.

Quite a few people who are paid to check water quality & soil quality have found that the land / water that is near to grave yards contains a bit more toxic stuff than when a grave yard isn’t present. To combat such a problem each person buried should be charged a £50:00 toxic reversal tax this will encourage people to look at other options following there deaths.

Silent but deadly tax.

Due to electric & hybrid cars making virtually no noise at low speeds & being so dangerous on car parks because you can’t hear the bloody things, it is suggested that owners of such 'death traps' have to pay a £50.00 car park entry fee. This money can be collected up & the government could use it to fund a scrapage scheme where these silent killer cars are all taken off the roads & be replaced with safer vehicles that make a noise, diesel vehicles as a random example.

Sugar tax / Fat tax.

ome students looking for a government grant that went to a fast food outlet a while back noticed that people who eat lots of burgers on a regular basis had much larger waists than people who ate lettuce leaves, they also happen to spot that people who consume lots of sugary foods / sugary drinks on a regular basis also had a larger waist diameter than those people that drink diet water. Not only did they pot the burgers / sugar = chubby person equation, they noticed that higher sugar consumers tended to have less white teeth & actually, less teeth in general. These eager students suggest a £5.00 per burger fat tax & £1.00 per gram of sugar, Sugar Tax / Fat Tax be applied. Such a tax will save teeth & make seats last longer & will also provide a few years of grant money to the students.

WiFi tax

With so many people unable to live without a wifi signal it would be a real shame not to exploit this fact. Pretty sure some bloke in a pub said that wifi signals may cause brain diseases & that honey bees get a bit confused when exposed to wifi signals. A £1.00 per hour wifi pollution tax ought to be charged & the money raised can be used to make tin foil hats for the honey bees.

Beach tax.

Yet another group of bored scientist looking for something to do have discovered that the sand on beaches has high levels of tanning lotion / cream mixed into the sand graduals & in the sea water. The stuff in tanning lotions / oils / creams has been linked to the deaths of millions of little things that live on beaches. These little things carry out a vital process that stops ice bergs melting quite as fast. To combat this potential global disaster a ‘sitting on the beach / swimming in the sea / enjoying yourself’ tax of £20.00 per person per day is to be imposed, the government would be very fair in the application of the tax as it would not be charged during the winter or when it’s raining, it would only be applied on sunny warm days & the tax would be doubled on bank holidays.

Chinese tat & crap tax

Due to huge numbers of Chinese made goods ending up in landfill within only a few months of being purchased it has been suggested that a Chinese tat & crap tax be introduced which is to be paid by the end customer. This tax will be a simple three tier system. All goods costing less than £10.00 will have an added tax of £5.00 applied to each item, items costing between £10.00 & £1000.00 will have an added 50% of the purchase price tax added to the buying price & all goods over £1000.00 with have an added 60% tax added to the purchase price. Chinese made cars will also be hit with a 200% tax on the car sale price.

This tax will have many benefits including the disappearance of those 'bargain stores', wheelie bins will not need to be emptied as often, stress levels of customers who have to deal with poorly translated instructions will drop dramatically & landfill sites would take decades longer to fill up. Other benefits are also likely to be seen which would include British made goods being available again, Chinese children & prisoners are less likely to be harmed in sweat shops & far less pollution as less ships would be needed to transport Chinese crap around the globe.

Annoying TV shows / advertisement tax.

Some blokes with letters after there names who recently left university with degrees but are unable to find the jobs they want have carried out research (but need more government grant money to continue there important work) into stress levels of television viewers. Incredibly they found that viewers stress levels & associated hormones hit dangerous levels when TV screens pump out images of certain programs & adverts.

A proposed tax would fine TV channels for developing & airing garbage, brain rotting soap operas, so called ‘dramas’ & reality shows. Companies that create advertisements that offer no fact based information or that state ‘sale now on’ would also be hit with massive fines & taxes to encourage them to either just stop them churning out crap or to encourage them to be honest about there products. It is expected that ITV would be the most severely hit along with advertisers of comparison websites, stain removal products, furniture / carpet manufactures, banks / building societies, toothpaste manufacturers, car insurance providers & online gambling providers.

Greedy Celebrity Tax:

Despite the bulging bank accounts, numerous houses, yachts & multiple investments that some celebrities have it seems that needing that ‘little bit more’ is still what the Worlds celebrities crave. Celebrities & actors who still feel as though they need more exposure & money are to be hit with massive taxes when they put themselves in front of the camera to advertise products that budding actors & actresses could easily fulfil & would no doubt be grateful for the work. Kevin Bacon, Ant & Dec, James Corden, Eric Cantona & Philip Scholfield are expected to be top of the Greedy Celeb Tax list.

Fame Craving Idiots / Knob Head Tax:

Due to the UK’s NHS being under greater pressures than ever before it has been suggested that injuries sustained to persons who have attempted to create a youtube video purely in an attempt to make themselves look cool or to obtain as many ‘likes / hits’ as possible are to pay out 150% of the costs it took to treat them. Knob heads that skateboard down hand railings & hit there man spuds on concrete posts will perhaps think twice when they are released from hospital with a £950:00 scrotum repair invoice.