Diesel Bob (UK) Limited

Bobs Rant

The long-term mental effects of breathing calibration fluid fumes & diesel oil fumes maybe to blame for this page or is just the simple fact of getting older & more cynical? Writing this page seemed a good idea at the time but even if the thoughts expressed here do NOT match your own do bear in mind that we are damn good at dealing with diesel injection issues.

Having an opinion these days is something that can very often end with the opinion giver in a spot of hot water, but keeping quiet & 'just taking it' isn't the correct thing to do either (apparently) so I think airing ones stresses & annoyances now & again is healthy.

Topic of the moment:

Driver Less Vehicles / Transport

What are the real world benefits?
Who the F##K comes up with these ideas?
Do people want a World controlled by computers?
Well I sure as F##K don’t!!!
A mention was made on the news regarding the UK is falling behind other countries with it’s driverless technology! &???? What’s the problem? Is there some kind of race going on to be the first country to have the most computer controlled vehicles? & if so, what’s the prize???
Yet more bored scientists/technology wiz kids who are trying to justify a salary.
Utter B.S. of the highest level.

Ashes to Ashes, Diesel to Diesel........

With the looming ‘toxin tax’ for diesel owners being announced, & with no one bothering to stand up against it we thought we would throw in a few more comedy suggestions on ways for the government to make money:
(NOTE: this is a form of parody, for those readers who don’t share our sense of humour):

Cremation toxic tax

A number of bored scientists have found that when they wave a special device over the chimney of crematoriums it has found levels of things that they consider too high, to make money from this discovery a £50.00 toxic reversal tax should be charged for every person cremated. This will make people reconsider cremation & look at other options.

Burial land contamination tax.

Quite a few people who are paid to check water quality & soil quality have found that the land / water that is near to grave yards contains a bit more toxic stuff than when a grave yard isn’t present. To combat such a problem each person buried should be charged a £50:00 toxic reversal tax this will encourage people to look at other options following there deaths.

Silent but deadly tax.

Due to electric & hybrid cars making virtually no noise at low speeds & being so dangerous on car parks because you can’t hear the bloody things, it is suggested that owners of such 'death traps' have to pay a £50.00 car park entry fee. This money can be collected up & the government could use it to fund a scrapage scheme where these silent killer cars are all taken off the roads & be replaced with safer vehicles that make a noise, diesel vehicles as a random example.

Sugar tax / Fat tax.

ome students looking for a government grant that went to a fast food outlet a while back noticed that people who eat lots of burgers on a regular basis had much larger waists than people who ate lettuce leaves, they also happen to spot that people who consume lots of sugary foods / sugary drinks on a regular basis also had a larger waist diameter than those people that drink diet water. Not only did they pot the burgers / sugar = chubby person equation, they noticed that higher sugar consumers tended to have less white teeth & actually, less teeth in general. These eager students suggest a £5.00 per burger fat tax & £1.00 per gram of sugar, Sugar Tax / Fat Tax be applied. Such a tax will save teeth & make seats last longer & will also provide a few years of grant money to the students.

WiFi tax

With so many people unable to live without a wifi signal it would be a real shame not to exploit this fact. Pretty sure some bloke in a pub said that wifi signals may cause brain diseases & that honey bees get a bit confused when exposed to wifi signals. A £1.00 per hour wifi pollution tax ought to be charged & the money raised can be used to make tin foil hats for the honey bees.

Beach tax.

Yet another group of bored scientist looking for something to do have discovered that the sand on beaches has high levels of tanning lotion / cream mixed into the sand graduals & in the sea water. The stuff in tanning lotions / oils / creams has been linked to the deaths of millions of little things that live on beaches. These little things carry out a vital process that stops ice bergs melting quite as fast. To combat this potential global disaster a ‘sitting on the beach / swimming in the sea / enjoying yourself’ tax of £20.00 per person per day is to be imposed, the government would be very fair in the application of the tax as it would not be charged during the winter or when it’s raining, it would only be applied on sunny warm days & the tax would be doubled on bank holidays.

Chinese tat & crap tax

Due to huge numbers of Chinese made goods ending up in landfill within only a few months of being purchased it has been suggested that a Chinese tat & crap tax be introduced which is to be paid by the end customer. This tax will be a simple three tier system. All goods costing less than £10.00 will have an added tax of £5.00 applied to each item, items costing between £10.00 & £1000.00 will have an added 50% of the purchase price tax added to the buying price & all goods over £1000.00 with have an added 60% tax added to the purchase price. Chinese made cars will also be hit with a 200% tax on the car sale price.

This tax will have many benefits including the disappearance of those 'bargain stores', wheelie bins will not need to be emptied as often, stress levels of customers who have to deal with poorly translated instructions will drop dramatically & landfill sites would take decades longer to fill up. Other benefits are also likely to be seen which would include British made goods being available again, Chinese children & prisoners are less likely to be harmed in sweat shops & far less pollution as less ships would be needed to transport Chinese crap around the globe.

Annoying TV shows / advertisement tax.

Some blokes with letters after there names who recently left university with degrees but are unable to find the jobs they want have carried out research (but need more government grant money to continue there important work) into stress levels of television viewers. Incredibly they found that viewers stress levels & associated hormones hit dangerous levels when TV screens pump out images of certain programs & adverts.

A proposed tax would fine TV channels for developing & airing garbage, brain rotting soap operas, so called ‘dramas’ & reality shows. Companies that create advertisements that offer no fact based information or that state ‘sale now on’ would also be hit with massive fines & taxes to encourage them to either just stop them churning out crap or to encourage them to be honest about there products. It is expected that ITV would be the most severely hit along with advertisers of comparison websites, stain removal products, furniture / carpet manufactures, banks / building societies, toothpaste manufacturers, car insurance providers & online gambling providers.

Greedy Celebrity Tax:

Despite the bulging bank accounts, numerous houses, yachts & multiple investments that some celebrities have it seems that needing that ‘little bit more’ is still what the Worlds celebrities crave. Celebrities & actors who still feel as though they need more exposure & money are to be hit with massive taxes when they put themselves in front of the camera to advertise products that budding actors & actresses could easily fulfil & would no doubt be grateful for the work. Kevin Bacon, Ant & Dec, James Corden, Eric Cantona & Rowan Atkinson are expected to be top of the Greedy Celeb Tax list.

Fame Craving Idiots / Knob Head Tax:

Due to the UK’s NHS being under greater pressures than ever before it has been suggested that injuries sustained to persons who have attempted to create a youtube video purely in an attempt to make themselves look cool or to obtain as many ‘likes / hits’ as possible are to pay out 150% of the costs it took to treat them. Knob heads that skateboard down hand railings & hit there man spuds on concrete posts will perhaps think twice when they are released from hospital with a £950:00 scrotum repair invoice.

VW Group, what have they done wrong?

Bugger all!

All the vehicle manufacturers have been fed dreamed up 'emission limits' that all the vehicles they produce must comply with. Figures dreamed up by faceless, nameless goons who's sole purpose is to justify there salaries & perks.
The emission limits that have been concocted are utterly unrealistic & cannot be met without massive alterations to a fossil fuel powered vehicle without stupidly complicated exhaust after treatment / filtration systems that will adversely effect long-term engine reliability & running/maintenance costs.

These faceless goons need to back off & accept that the fossil fuel powered vehicle had already met it's emissions output minimum years ago & find some other scapegoats to fund there mission of chasing the impossible………. Impossible?, Many say nothing is 'impossible' so on that basis lets have these goons enforce the emission laws to other sectors that effect the air we all breath. Perhaps they could have an all expenses paid trip to South America, India, Africa & China & stop the use of pollution causing power stations, factories & vehicles? Perhaps they could climb up a few volcanoes & fit DPF's (or would it be a VPF?) over the tops? Lets take all this emissions b*llshit to another level, let these goons ban the use of all vehicles (Worldwide, not just us suckers in the E.U.) that do not comply with the latest emissions figures & let them also ban other emission causing devices & activities, so here is what the lunatics with clip boards need to be doing:

We'll also need some form of catalyst mounting on every jet engine on every aeroplane if you could please!
These faceless goons have so many other, vastly higher emission causing areas to deal with but the effort will be greater, I suspect a little too much effort for them to consider bothering,

So, in my opinion, VW where fed a whole pile of b*llshit from a large pile of 'b*llshiters' & all VW did was do a little b*llshiting of there own, fighting b*llshit with b*llshit, a whole new spin on things if ever you wanted one.

Talking of b*llshit, I'm pretty sure I heard the word asthma used in the same sentence as the story of VW's 'misdemeanour'. Being a child of the 70's/80's I very clearly remember that when at school two or three children had asthma inhalers out of the 30-32 kids in each class. My own children are now of school age & way over 50% of the kids in each class now have asthma inhalers (Non of my own have inhalers)! Back in the 70's/80's we had proper coal fires, trucks & buses powered by AEC, Leyland & Gardner engines (that only produced zero smoke when they where turned off!) & the emissions bandwagon hadn't even gained motion, let alone pace!
So how can this be? The emission reducing mission from the goons has been making dramatic changes for almost 15 years & yet kids of primary school age seem to be more likely to suffer asthma than ever before?
Bit of a topic leap here but who remembers bumblebees? Those large bloated insects with large striped bomber jackets that looked too big to fly? Where've they gone? Have those goons gone & wiped out bumblebees? Are the particles of soot from vehicle exhausts now so small that they are causing way more harm than the larger 'visible' particles of yesteryear? The smog from our cities may now be gone, or has it? Is the smog now simply invisible smog that's causing asthma & wiping out bumblebees?

Questions to which I no not the answers, I'm sure those faceless, nameless goons have all the answers, whether they are the correct answers or answers that just sound good will be another area of uncertainty.

I'm sure that once we are all buzzing round on hoverboards & driving hybrid vehicles the goons will be able to retire & say 'job well done', until of course it turns out that the power source for hoverboards & chemicals within battery/hydrogen cells have been found to cause cancer or poisoning of the water supplies, then a whole new generation of goons can obtain a wage by dreaming up numbers & timelines!

Returning to the VW 'scandal', in my opinion VW, 'yah do reet!'


OMG!!! Seriously? It must be a glitch? No way!
VW's sales figures are down???
Are the vast majority of people so utterly brain washed & devoid of there own thoughts that they actually avoided buying a VW because of the media frenzy?
People ACTUALLY thought:

'I'm not buying a VW because I read/heard about VW's have been a bit naughty with the software'

So lets look at a few facts:

Are VW's unsafe to drive? NO
Is the driver or passengers in mortal danger of the car exploding or catching fire? NO
Are the wheels liable to fall off or the brakes stop working? NO
Is the steering wheel incorrectly tightened & going to fall off? NO
Will driving a VW cause rapid melting of glaciers & ice caps? NO
Are the exhaust emissions so dangerously high that they will kill the person behind? NO
Are cars built by the VW Company some of the best cars ever built? YES!

One would assume that the people that turned away from buying a VW do not travel abroad on aeroplanes or boats?

The World &, apparently, many of its habitants have gone stark raving MAD!

Next we'll be hearing sausage & bacon is dangerous!!!

Anyone remember the phrase 'the men in white coats will take you away' ? Often used when someone acts a bit crazy? A phrase that suggests the men in white coats are used to restore sanity & order, the World now appears to run by 'men in white coats with clip boards' but these guys must surely be the loonys? Or perhaps it's just me!

Anyway, time for my medication.


Further note:

We have had a good number of people asking for our advice regarding the recall that VW group are requesting the owners of 'AFFECTED' vehicles to return the vehicles to dealerships for the 'MODIFIED' software to be uploaded.

From the feedback we have received from people who have had there vehicles 'UPDATED' with this revised software our advice is DO NOT have this procedure carried out, we have been given reports of power reduction, torque reduction & a lowered mpg following this revised software being uploaded & to top this off, ONCE THE REVISED SOFTWARE HAS BEEN UPLOADED THE VEHICLE ECU IS LOCKED (which prevents any future alterations) & VW GROUP WILL NOT REVERT THE VEHICLE BACK TO THE EARLIER SOFTWARE.

So unless your dealership will utterly guarantee & ideally, sign a note, stating that the vehicle will perform EXACTLY as it did prior to the revised software being updated, we strongly advise NOT having the update carried out.

Stop use if irritation occurs:

Planet saving 'deodorant / anti-perspirant aerosol can'
So now we can all do 'our bit' by buying the polar bear friendly mini cans of deodorant? UNBELIEVABLE!
The marketing teams for these things must be rolling round in laughter & simultaneously rubbing there hands at the fact that people actually buy them.
Spin a little b*llshit about the 'fact' that the can contains the same amount or that you need less & stick it into a smaller package, costs less to make the can & less product inside & all for virtually the same price!! Pure genius or comedy gold depending on your view.
I can't wait for the 100% extra versions to hit the shelves.